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1. Buy a fishing boat and a big iron pot.
2. Fish all day.
3. Boil a lot of beer and anything else tasty that you can pick from your garden or get cheap at Hughes General Merchandise over a wood fire in the big iron pot, preferably doing it all in your front yard, waving at truckers who blow by you on their way to the All-Nite Eat n' Grope up the road a spell in Early Branch.
4. Add the fruits of fishing all day to the boiling mess.
5. Boil until everything looks done.
6. Pour the contents of the big iron pot out onto newspaper spread out over your picnic table. (It's okay to use a door mounted over two sawhorses if you don't have a picnic table).
7. Get drunk and eat until someone gets sick.
8. Laugh at them.
The Sorta Authentic Upstate New York Version
1. Buy a pound and a half of shrimp from a Fish Lady at grocery store.Get shrimp in the shell, and nothing small to the point of being difficult to shell. Frozen works okay if they don't have anything fresh (it just won't proposition you while you're cooking.)
2. In a large pot/dutch oven, mix a bottle and a half of amberish beer (nothing too stout or chewy) with an equal amount of water. Warm slowly, to bleed the fizz from the beer.
Note: The chef can drink the other half bottle of beer.
3. Once flat, bring the beer/water mixture to a boil, and add:
Old Bay Seasoning;
Fresh ground black pepper;
A bundle of green onions; and
A 8-10 inch hunk of reasonably non-fatty smoked sausage, cut into bite-sized pieces.
4. Once the pot is bubbling along nicely again, add five new potatoes, cut in half. Boil for five minutes or so, then remove to a separate bowl and draw enough liquid from the big pot to cover them. Cook them on high in the microwave for about four minutes more, or until they are easily pierced with a fork or a particularly hurtful remark.
5. While potatoes are cooking in the microwave, add three or four ears ofcorn to the big pot (you may need to add some more water or beer to cover).Boil the corn five minutes. Remove from the pot, keep warm.
6. Pull the green onion remnants out of the big pot. Discard.
7. Pour the shrimp into the big pot -- once it reaches a boil, keep it going for three minutes if you've used fresh shrimp, and five minutes if you've used frozen shrimp. Either way, they should be uniformly pink.
8. If your pot is big enough, toss all the ingredients back in for one more minute. If not, put the corn and potatoes in a colander and drain the shrimp and sausage over them.
9. Serve immediately all tossed together. Eat with fingers (as a utensil,not a side dish). Helpful condiments include cocktail sauce and butter/bacon/chives.
Urp!
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