Women of Spam, by J. Eric Smith

1. Emileen Emilen

Emileen Emilen

went to the Laundromat

carrying clothes that were

threadbare and torn;

she left them there, spinning,

and went home instead with

the nicest new garments

that she'd ever worn.

2. Celestia Hoober

Celestia Hoober,
devoted explorer of
planes of existence
and astral affairs;
her vaporous form
has been known to surprise us
while peeking in windows
or lurking on stairs.

3. Satinka Pettay

Satinka Pettay grew

to be a fine woman,

refined and reflective,

quite pretty and mild,

but I still remember

when she was much younger,

and everyone called her

"that dismal, dull child."

4. Terinder Natrist

Terinder Natrist,

a lover of insects,

with net and diploma

set off for Gabon,

and found there a beetle

of rare opalescence,

it bit her, she sickened,

and died before dawn.

5. Nedra Kizzy

Oh, dear Nedra Kizzy,

fine merchant of products

for men needing help with

enhancing their lives,

you vixen, you siren,

so buxom and vibrant,

for you, Nedra Kizzy,

we're leaving our wives.

6. Angelica Angeloux

Angelica Angeloux,

named by her parents,

who thought such a moniker

might steer her well,

though the digital pictures

she e-mails to strangers

would lead me to think

that she's going to hell.

7. Sunny Butts

Young Sunny Butts was

the queen of the brass band,

a gifted performer on

the baritone horn;

though we thought she might grow up

to play in an orchestra,

we weren't real surprised

when she opted for porn.

8. Veronica Bugdoctor

"Veronica Bugdoctor,"

that's what we called her;

she cared for the insects

that lived on our street

and would dress in a frock

that hung down to the ground

so that one could see

she had six little feet.

9. Lula Labonza

Lula Labonza, the

Queen of the Circus Train:

oh, how we loved her,

we clowns and we freaks!

Beautiful, erudite,

she'd sit and sing to us,

while she was braiding

the hair on her cheeks.

10. Claudia Chadlex

Poor Claudia Chadlex
was married at sixteen,
then had seven children
by age twenty-four,
when she murdered her husband
one night in their bedroom,
in court she said
"Judge, I ain't havin' no more."

11. Olana Mudd

Last week, Olana Mudd

came out to visit us;

it had been years since

she'd darkened our door.

After an hour or so,

we were reminded

exactly why she had been

banished before.

12. Evaline Hagaman

Evaline Hagaman
worked in the grocery store
cleaning up messes
the butchers had made,
she often took home
little scraps for her supper,
which tasted fine though
they were less than 'A Grade.'

13. Toni O'Tonia

Oh, Toni O'Tania,

how we adored your name

up on the marquee

in flashing gold lights,

until you retired from

the stage and decided

to bore us with orphans

and their dismal plights.

14. Sarita Wilkie

Dear Sarita Wilkie,
I love you like butter
on freshly baked French bread,
crunchy and hot,
I love you like honey,
or even boiled peanuts . . .
what . . . they're not romantic?
Well, why the hell not?

15. Plethetrie Katharg

Plethetrie Katharg was
a wonderful lady,
society chums would say
"What a grand dame!
She's generous, confident,
kind and engaging, though
you'd never believe it
just seeing her name!"

16. Erie Raymona

Young Erie Raymona
was named for a lake
that is north of Ohio
and west of New York,
with beaches romantic
where her parents picknicked,
conceiving two kids: her
and her sister, Spork.

17. Julia Sylvia

Julia Sylvia,
grew pretty salvia
and some rudbeckia
out in her yard,
which was in Hialeah,
northwest of Miami,
in Florida. Sometimes
she also grew chard.

18. Florene Otelia

Oh, Florene Otelia,
Queen of the Mullet Fest,
how I do long for
your love from afar,
as you ride on your float
and you smile and you wave,
I imagine you, bound,
in the trunk of my car.

19. Helen O'Wrangle

"Did Helen O'Wrangle
call in sick this morning?
I don't think I've seen her,
and that seems quite strange."
(Out on Route 52
in her brand new convertible,
Helen smiled, thinking
"It's time for a change.")

20. Gloria Gobbledom

Gloria Gobbledom
makes us uncomfortable,
although she seems nice
on the surface, at first.
But something about her
just gives us the willies,
she smiles and we shiver.
We think she's accursed.

Special bonus . . . six Men of Spam, who aren't as popular or well-named:

1. Ezra Pinzera

Ezra Pinzera is
mean and he's stupid and
I just don't care for him,
no, not at all,
he's a six foot freak eighth
grader, hostile and cruel
and he steals his lunch money
from kids who are small.

2. Trinh Harness

Look at Trinh Harness there
out on the playing field,
quite the skilled outfielder,
good at the plate,
if he'd just lighten up
on the school work and church,
spend more time on his game,
then he'd really be great.

3. Hugh Alay

Big Hugh Alay is a
wee little man but we
call him "Big Hugh" since his
son is Hugh, too,
funny thing, though, is that
Little Hugh (that's his son)
weighs two fifty and stands
'bout a good six foot two.

4. Julius Pommeling

Julius Pommeling
worked in the drug store
at Main Street and Seventh,
right by the court house,
which made it convenient
for him to appear when
he found himself charged
with abusing his spouse.

5. Marius Bevoker

Marius Bevoker,
lover of motor sports,
spent all his free time
hot-rodding his cars,
'til out on the interstate
he broke 200
while passing a speed trap,
he's now behind bars.

6. Horaciwjo Repeckie

Horaciwjo Repeckie,
born in Bulgaria,
was a good communist
once 'pon a time,
with the Soviet pull-out, though,
he burned his party card,
now he's a master of
white collar crime.